Did you know that lack of communication, bad communication, or no communication CONSISTENTLY top polls as the biggest challenges marriages face today?

I suffered. My husband suffered. My marriage suffered. Big time. For a LONG time – because we didn’t know HOW to communicate in a way that brought us closer instead of putting us in a cold war. If you’re suffering too…know that you are not alone, and there is hope – lots of it!

6 Pillars of Healthy Communication can feel complex because there is an ocean of nuance. But when you break it down to the basic parts, its more simple than you think. You don’t need couples therapy or marriage counseling to save your marriage. You just need to learn these fundamentals.

Healthy communication demystified

1. Trust

Think of trust as the foundation of your relationship. If trust is strong, stable, and secure, you can not only build a house—you can build a castle. On the other hand, if trust is weak, it’s like building your house on a foundation of mud. You will constantly be repairing leaks and cracks (fights and arguments) and will have no energy to actually enjoy life together.

But that’s what most people do (my old self included). Most couples only focus on trying to fix the symptoms of broken trust (like correcting their partner’s behavior, being their parent, criticizing, or blaming) instead of addressing the root cause. It’s like playing whack-a-mole.

None of this is intentional. We are just trying to do our very best, but the reality is that it’s not working, and it’s time for a new approach.

• Repeat after me: “I have the power to rebuild and tend to trust in my marriage every day.”

• Challenge: For trust ruptures in your foundation, seek support from a marriage coach (check out my offerings). For everyday tending, keep reading!

2. Intention

You know that feeling in any relationship, whether it’s a friend, family member, or teacher, where you can sense that they are genuinely looking out for your best interest? These types of relationships make you want to lean in. Like a plant growing towards the sun. On the other hand, there are other types of people where you can immediately sense their agenda – they are looking out for their best interest, not yours. You naturally want to lean away. Nothing is inherently wrong with that, but in a marriage, if your husband doesn’t truly trust that you have his best intentions at heart (and vice versa), he’ll lean away from you.

Here is the tricky part that may sting. Most of us are sure our intentions are pure, but that may not always be the case. For example, that time when your husband handled a situation in a way that frustrated you, you may think that you are helping by correcting him. But underneath that, your ego may be trying to control him/the situation so that you feel safe. He can feel the difference. That’s not to say you shouldn’t address something that doesn’t work. But your intention will mold your words, tone, and your energy.

For example, coming from your ego, it may sound like, “You should have done it like this. That was rude. That was wrong. Ugh. I can’t believe you. Here we go again”. On the other hand, coming from the highest intention of your heart may sound more like, “Can you tell me more about X? I’m curious about why you approached it that way. Are you open to hearing my thoughts?”

• Repeat after me: “I am the divine creator of my marriage through consciously setting my highest intentions.”

• Challenge: Journal on your highest intentions for your husband. Grab my BIG 3 for FREE powerful journal prompts to clarify your intentions and help you communicate better with your husband immediately.

3. Curiosity

Curiosity is the language of love. Your curiosity conveys that you care about your husband’s thought process and unique experience of life. What a gift you would be for him!! Curiosity is the elixir for the deeper connection that we all crave.

• Repeat after me: “Curiosity is the language of love, and I am a warrior of love.”

• Challenge: Let go of any assumptions about who your husband is and allow him to surprise you. Ask questions and appreciate the unique way he sees the world, even if you don’t agree with it. The key is to set an intention from genuine curiosity instead of judgment. Any hint of judgment will feel like an interrogation and rupture trust!

4. Validation

Do you get tripped up on this one? I did, too, because I confused validation with AGREEMENT or CONDONING certain behaviors. Let me clear things up – they are different! For example, I personally think road rage is pointless, immature, cringy, and potentially dangerous. YUCK. I used to react by shaming my husband to change his state: “Chill out! Calm down!!” (Which never worked). But for my husband and some men, getting angry at another driver in his vehicle is cathartic.

Listen, I don’t condone it. I don’t agree with it. It still makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t ask him to change his state anymore. I validate his experience. For example, “I can understand why that would be frustrating”. Interestingly, this energetic shift from me actually helps his frustration float away faster. The bottom line: Validation is an energetic posture that empowers understanding that builds trust, the foundation for healthy communication. Unfortunately, whether we realize it or not, most of us reject our partner’s experience because we don’t agree with it or want them to change.

• Repeat after me: “Validation is not agreement. It is safe for me to validate my husband’s experience.”

• Challenge: Practice saying, “I can understand why you felt that way.”

5. Eye Contact

Knowing how to choose your words carefully is a powerful skill, but the truth is, it can only get you so far.

Energy is transmitted through our body language. Your body communicates messages that can either amplify or negate what you said.

Eye contact can radiate “I love you” without words.

A rushed, dry, transactional “I love you” energetically can translate to “I don’t like you.” or “You are not my priority.”

• Repeat after me: “Making eye contact with my husband when we speak is my new standard for our marriage”

• Challenge: Whether sitting on the couch, grocery shopping, or on a date night, consciously make eye contact with your husband. It is the difference between a delicious relationship you want to take a juicy bite into or an icy, fragile relationship that makes you feel cold.

6. Don’t Bring Up the Past

We all know this is the superhighway to escalating conflict. So why do we pull our filing cabinet out when we know it will only get ugly?

There are three main reasons:

• You do it out of habit, to convince your partner to change.

• Your husband brings up the past first, so you do it too to defend yourself.

• You have unresolved resentments.

Your path to freedom is learning how to repair past resentments while making a conscious effort not to bring up the past, even when your husband does it.

The fastest way to release resentment is to work with a marriage coach, as most resentments run deep and require professional support. Another way is to begin practicing acceptance.

• Repeat after me: “I accept my partner for who he is and who he is not.”

• Challenge: The next time you feel compelled to bring up the past, notice it, and drop it. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Healthy marriages don’t just happen to the lucky ones.

They are created by one person making small, intentional changes to communicate better every day FIRST. If you’re reading this, that leader is you. You don’t need your husband to be ready for couples therapy or marriage counseling. When you communicate better, your husband will respond better, and you’ll have a better marriage.

I want to be clear about something: I am absolutely not saying that your husband is exempt from doing the work. He is not. However, if he is not ready, you don’t need to be a victim of your husband’s timing. Let’s take your power back. When you rise into HER – the courageous, heart-centered leader, and become a compassionate communicator, FIRST, you can’t help but INSPIRE your husband to rise to meet you. Become the change you desire in your marriage, and trust that God will do the rest.

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