If I asked you what you do think compassion means, what would you say? (no google cheating!)
Chances are you would offer something along the lines of kindness, empathy, and being a good person.
Am I warm?
If so, you are not alone! Almost everyone I ask this question says the same thing. A few months ago, I even posted this question on facebook. Out of the dozens of responses or so, only one person came close. And still it missed the mark.
But that moment sparked a passion in my soul to educate everyone on the planet on the real definition of compassion. If we all agree that the world needs more compassion, than how can we build that together, if we don’t know what it means? That’s silliness.
So here goes…are you ready? Drum roll please…
The definition of compassion is “Sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (www.merriam-webster.com).
In other words,
Compassion in mariage. Awareness & Desire to alleviate pain
Compassion is being aware of another person’s pain, and having the desire to alleviate it.
Let me ask you something: Do you see how compassion is active, while kindness and empathy are more passive? Compassion requires you to desire to lessen pain. That is an action.
Here’s another reason why this is important:
How to fix the Misalignment and recognize the differences in perceptions and actions
It’s like you’re playing a game of baseball, thinking it’s basketball. You’re setting yourself up to lose.
You’ve been training tirelessly, putting in hard work, but your performance continues to falls short. No matter how hard you try, you can’t win. Understandably, this wears on you. You’re tired, worn out. You feel like no matter how much you do it’s never going to be enough. At times, you wondered what you are even doing here?
Here’s where I invite you to give yourself compassion. How can you win, if you’re not playing the game you thought you were playing? Baseball and basketball are two completely different games.
I don’t want that for you. I want you to win. In the right game. In your marriage!
Now that you are starting to sense why compassion is important, allow me to paint compassion it one more way for today.
Imagine feeling beaten down from a terrible long day. Your boss was hounding you, and you feel like no matter how hard you work, you’ll never be appreciated by them.
You call your favorite person to lean on. This person always says the right things to make you feel better – even if it’s the hard truth. Maybe it’s your husband, your best friend, mom, dad, or your sister.
In the presence of this person, the weight of your anxiety, fear, or anger lessens. Even more, something about being around them makes you feel like you can get through this and come out stronger. Maybe it’s their loving energy, maybe it’s their tough love directness. Whatever it is, around them, you feel safe and empowered. All will be well.
If someone helps alleviate your pain and empowers you, then naturally you will be drawn to this person… like a tree growing towards the sunlight.
Are you ready to communicate with compassion in your marriage?
That is the power of being able to communicate with compassion. You radiate sunlight. You become sunlight.
Our human nature is to always move away from pain, and towards pleasure.
If you are noticing that when you speak, your husband is moving away from you instead of towards you, there’s a good chance you have not been approaching him with compassion.
Not because you haven’t tried dilligently – I’m almost certain you have.
But because you didn’t know the real definition of compassion, so how could you?
Even if you did, no one taught you the skill to recognize suffering and what it takes to truly alleviate it.
That pretty much summed up my relationship to compassion and my husband’s mind boggling attitude towards me. I knew he loved me, but I just didn’t understand how another human being could be so be oppositional to everything I say, especially when I was always making so much sense! (I mean, obviously)
But since I smartened up, let’s just say our relationship is unrecognizable. I am winning, and so is my husband. Which means we, as a team, are winning, BIG TIME.
How to leverage compassion to build a foundation of a healthy marriage
Now that you know the real definition, you’ve just put yourself in a strong position to win at your marriage too.
A marriage that feels warm like sunlight, where you both want to grow, lean, twist, turn, towards and around each other. Like arms and legs intertwined after a passionate night of deep soul connected love making…mmmmm
Without true compassion, marriage feels malnourished, dry, and fragile. Leaving a numbing ache that sooner or later will hurt so deep, that it will explode into a scream until you address the wounds. The only option that you may see, is divorce. But there is a much better way.
The how to recognize and alleviate suffering… well, stick around in the Compassionate Communication Community, and I guarantee you’ll pick up some mind-blowing wisdom and practical tips that will change your life – if you apply it.
For now, here’s a gift that will help you get started on your compassionate communication journey. I created a free 1 min quiz to help you debunk common marriage myths. If you are curious about how to start getting your marriage back on track, you don’t want to miss this!
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