I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the least searched terms on YouTube is ‘How to grieve the loss of your foster child.’
After our foster boys were reunited with their biological family a few years ago, I would go to bed every night, aching for them in every cell of my body.
You see, even though I did not give physically give birth to them, they gave me life. They gave me the gift of being a mom. Of knowing unconditional love. And it woke me up from the numbness of life in a state of survival and burnout as the baseline. For the first time, I felt ALIVENESS coursing through my veins.
From Day 1, we made a choice to love them as if they were our own, knowing that there was a possibility we would have to say goodbye one day.
Still, when the time came, the grief of saying goodbye was so stunningly intense, it bore into an aquifer in my soul that I didn’t know was there. Every primal scream, every stinging hour sobbing on the floor, released the swelling in my heart.
Want to know something strange? Despite how paralyzed I was, a big part of me never wanted the grief to stop. And truthfully, I still don’t.
My husband dealt with grief differently. He kept busy… so that he wouldn’t have to feel the pain.
Seeing me paralyzed with grief was probably as equally hard for him as saying goodbye to our boys.
All he wanted to do was fix it for me. As an action-taker, the best way he thought he knew how, was getting me in action again.
He called an emergency date night so that we could begin to talk about what it looks like to move forward. After all, for most of the two years they were with us, we were told we would be adopting them. Until, there was a sudden change in the judge.
There, at our favorite local restaurant in Westport, CT, we began to talk about options.
But I knew we needed to pause and take a moment first.
None of the options would feel right unless we got clear on our values.
So, I proposed we start there.
Our Core Values: Embracing Freedom, Courage, Adventure & Love in Marriage
Together, we co-created these core values: FREEDOM, COURAGE, ADVENTURE, LOVE.
Ahhh…Yes, that felt RIGHT.
Living Fully. A loving marriage of no regrets
From there, we asked ourselves this:
On our deathbed, how did we live with no regrets?
That may sound like wishful thinking, but for us, it was urgent.
As we learned from our boys –
Live a present fulfilled marriage. Tomorrow is not guaranteed
So we gave ourselves permission to use our imaginations. But not the “mature” proper version. The wild, unbridled version, the version inspired by our boys.
What felt crazy and exciting was starting over. Selling our big house, all our worldly possessions, buying an RV, doing life while traveling the country.
It’s a bit extreme, I admit, but it was in alignment with our values. It felt RIGHT.
Within a couple of months, in January 2021, we sold our dream 5,000 sf house that we built, purchased a 200 sf Airstream, and began our adventure on the road.
Was it logical? Nope.
Were our friends and family deeply worried about both of us? Yup. I mean, I would be too if I were them!
Did that stop us? Nope.
Don’t get me wrong, there were times we doubted ourselves. I mean, let’s face it – it’s crazy.
But, here’s what kept us moving forward, despite the doubt and judgements from others who just couldn’t understand.
It was in alignment with our values.
If you were to ask me how I was able to quit corporate, become a foster mom, saying goodbye to our kids, sell most of my worldly possessions, become nomads, save my marriage without couples therapy… the short answer is this:
Consciously creating my values and striving each day to live in integrity with them.
It’s truly that simple.
Now, actually practicing it with integrity, THAT’S where the rubber meets the road.
However, it’s a gazillion percent worth the discomfort. Because THAT is the FOUNDATION to creating the life we deeply desire.
Now, allow me to share the eight Lead with Julie Tran Coaching Values that will allow you to create Peace and Paradise in your marriage.
Lead with Courage
Lead with Pleasure
Lead with Devotion
Lead with Responsibility
Lead with Integrity
Lead with Joy
Lead with Love
Lead with Compassion
If you’d like to learn more these core values, my mission, my unconventional philosophy on what it takes to have a thriving marriage. I invite you to check out the new ABOUT section on my webpage. I poured my soul into it and am quite proud of myself, if I do say so myself!
And if you’d like to learn more about how you can embody these values so that you can have the marriage you always hoped for when you got married, without waiting for your husband to do the work, then I invite you to book a no-pressure clarity call with me and let’s chat.
This is where the rubber meets the road. And it’s not something you can learn on YouTube. But don’t worry, I got you. You are not alone.
Loving you, Courageous Ones!
XO, Julie
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