Healthy Thriving Marriages is a winding path with endless twists and turns. I should know – my husband and I have navigated our fair share of bumps in the road.
There were days when we could barely look each other in the eyes. When every word felt like a jab. When the walls between us seemed so tall we could barely see each other.
I remember looking at him from across the dinner table, feeling distant and numb, and asking myself, “Is this it? Is this all there is to healthy thriving marriages?”
If you’ve wondered the same thing, you are not alone, dear one.
But here is the truth I want you to hear – no matter how emotionally disconnected you may feel right now, you can find your way back to each other.
What Makes a Healthy and Thriving Marriages?
As a (now) deeply happily married woman, I’m often asked what the secret ingredient is to preserving passion and partnership. My answer is this: It starts with discarding the belief that healthy thriving marriages happen because of luck or finding the “right” person. The truth is that healthy thriving marriages are the result of intentionally cultivating them through these pillars.
Here are 7 essential pillars my husband and I lean on to uplift our marriage.
1. Intimacy: In-to-me-see
Dropping your walls to let your husband see into your heart, as well as being a safe space for your husband to share his heart.
True intimacy requires you to be fully seen by your husband and fully see him.
From your deepest fears to your most outrageous desires. Yes, this is scary. But with practice and compassionate communication skills, you will be able to share your truth in a way that can deepen your bond.
2. Romance: Keeping Excitement Alive
Date nights are great, but I think we get caught up on the idea that romance needs to be a seriously planned event.
Spontaneity spices things up!
The reality is romance starts with the energy of playfulness. Like a wink in the produce section, a cheeky booty squeeze when you’re walking to the car, or a juicy text message in the middle of the day. Think of it as foreplay. When you cultivate a culture of romance in normal everyday life, your marriage becomes a playground that literally lights you both up.
3. Compassion: You Are His Sun
Not many people know this – but the actual definition of compassion is being present to another’s pain and having the desire to lessen it for them. This goes beyond kindness or empathy. Being able to communicate with compassion means that you become the sun for your husband.
Compassion builds an atmosphere of deep trust and understanding between partners.
With compassion, when he’s feeling down or even acting in hurtful ways, without condoning his behavior, you are able to see the pain that’s underneath and support him accurately. Whether it’s to be heard, hugged, or helped, you know how to nourish him. In other words, you become his sun. If you want to be happily married for a long time, BE THE SUN. Remember that trees grow towards the sun and away from the shadow.
4. Healthy Conflict Resolution: Tackling Issues Authentically and Respectfully
There is no way to avoid conflict in a marriage. However, without conflict resolution skills, small disagreements can turn into unnecessary battles that can wreak havoc in your marriage.
Disagreements and hurts are inevitable, but how you handle conflicts determines the strength of your bond.
The antidote to this is learning healthy conflict-resolution skills. Couples that practice this can weather any storm together and grow stronger. In other words, they are resilient.
5. Empowerment: Championing Each Other’s Growth
Most people get really confused about this because of the mixed messages we hear. Should you accept your spouse? Should you help them grow?
Accepting your partner’s flaws is the foundation, but empowering them to grow and improve themselves without attachment is real love.
Here is my take: It’s both. Being able to hold this paradox is how you both win.
6. Shared Values: Your Compass to Healthy Thriving Marriages
Values are your compass in life. Without it, you and your husband will hit the same damn wall, fighting on opposite sides like taking a softer vs. stricter approach to parenting, more thrifty vs. loose spending habits, working more vs. working less.
Fundamental values serve as a guiding compass for major decisions and navigating life’s unexpected twists and turns.
When you have your values established as a couple, decision-making becomes much easier, and more importantly, you feel like you’re on the same team.
7. Future Gazing: Your North Star
With your compass now tuned and working, where are you headed? If you don’t know, then it’s like having fine China but never using it. What’s the point?!
Having an inspiring vision for your life is your WHY. THIS is why you stay together and fight for love.
If you don’t know your why as a couple that’s ok. Here’s where you can start: Imagine where you are living 5, 10, or 20 years from now. How are you spending your days? Who are you surrounded by? How did you love? How did you live without regrets?
If you desire more fulfillment with your husband, you must take the time to co-create a vision for your future that inspires both of you.
Building a Marriage That Goes the Distance
After years of ups and downs, I can honestly say my marriage thrives thanks to cultivating these 7 foundational pillars daily. Incorporating intimacy, romance, compassion, healthy conflict strategies, mutual empowerment, shared values, and future gazing has created a partnership that can weather every storm.
I didn’t build this strong foundation overnight. In fact, there were many times in our healthy thriving marriages when I didn’t think we were going to make it. But I took small actions each day, and they compounded into a rock-solid foundation.
By the way, I did this without convincing my husband to get on board or do couples therapy. In fact, I tried, but it didn’t work. My husband changed because of the changes he saw in me. How I danced differently with life. How understanding, compassionate, and respectful I was towards him. How I was filled up with aliveness…and it had nothing to do with him. That was when he began to change and became the amazing husband he is today.
Wherever you are in your marriage journey, starting with small, intentional changes each day can take your marriage on a completely different trajectory.
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Loving you, Courageous Ones!
XO, Julie
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