You have more influence on your husband’s responses than you think.
Habits that hurt marriages. Here is why. In psychology, there is a concept called Systems Theory. The concept is that when you change one part of the system, the whole system changes. For example, if one of your children chose to be vegetarian, you would respond by buying a lot more vegetables at the grocery store, and dinner would have more leafy greens. It may influence other family members to eat more vegetables or even become vegetarians. The concept is similar in your marriage. When you communicate better, you influence your husband to respond better to you, and thereby, your marriage will improve.
You don’t even need your husband to change. He will change organically in response to you.
In case you don’t know my style yet, THIS is where I coach from. I teach you how to unlock the masterful communicator within so that you don’t have to keep hoping that your husband will change one day. You have a busy life and big goals – I know you don’t have time to wait around!
So, let’s dive in!
To communicate better, you first have to be aware of your patterns.
1. Controlling communication hurts your marriage.
This is a trauma response rooted in us feeling inadequate, so we seek external approval by being the ‘good girl’ and always doing the ‘right’ thing. We cope by needing to be in control of many aspects of our lives.
This includes controlling our husband’s behavior in order to meet societal expectations and/or our own.
Here are signs that you may be communicating from control:
- You often correct your husband.
- You have a need to be right or “win” the argument.
- You often give him disapproving looks.
The impact of controlling communication:
This can make your husband feel emasculated, as he does not know his purpose in the family. He copes by shutting down and behaving irrationally. While I am not condoning his behavior, it’s important to understand that 9 out of 10 times, it’s a response to how we communicate.
2. Withholding communication hurts your marriage
This is a trauma response rooted in fear of abandonment. We avoid expressing our boundaries or bringing up certain topics because we don’t want to get into an argument.
As a coping mechanism, we sweep things under the rug, hoping that they will just go away in time. Like putting a lid on a boiling pot, sooner or later, you will boil over.
Here are signs you may be withholding communication:
- You blow up over benign things.
- You avoid having difficult conversations.
- You are easily irritated or angry when things don’t go according to your expectations.
The impact of withholding communication:
He loses trust in you, and in return, you lose trust in him. It’s a vicious cycle. In the long run, without trust, you will both feel disconnected from each other, which leads to more conflict.
3. Judgmental Communication
Judgment is a trauma response rooted in not feeling whole and complete as we already are (a universal human condition). In order to survive, we self-judge (even self-hate) as a ‘motivator’ to work harder, smarter, and better.
If we are not conscious of this, we place all our value on external success measures versus our humanity. We then feel anxious that no matter how much we accomplish or how hard we work, it will never be ‘enough’.
Here are signs you may be communicating with judgment
- You perceive things as good/bad, right/wrong.
- You frequently criticize your husband’s choices or opinions.
- You mutter “ugh” under your breath. • You giving “Isn’t it obvious?” stares.
The impact of judgmental communication:
- Your husband feels inadequate around you and often gets angry or shuts down.
- In the long run, the judgment makes your husband feel unsafe to be himself, and he’ll defer all decisions to you, leaving you both unhappy. Plus, this is a recipe for burnout!
If you recognize any of these signs, here is what you can do:
- Celebrate yourself for raising your awareness!! It’s truly the hardest and most COURAGEOUS first step.
- Give yourself plenty of COMPASSION. We do the best we can with the tools we have. When we know better, we do better.
- The next time you notice yourself getting triggered, say to yourself, “I choose to let go of ______ (CONTROL, WITHHOLDING, OR JUDGMENT.” More often than you would think, it can be that easy!
I know these communication habits can feel impossible, but trust me, it’s possible! If you raise your awareness and make different choices, your marriage can take a completely different trajectory over time. If, after practicing letting go, you still feel stuck, you may want to consider professional support for deeper healing and communication skill building.
https://www.instagram.com/leadwithjulietran/
For 1-1 support, check out my 45-minute Communication Breakthrough Session.
When we know better, we can do better, one baby step at a time. Wishing you self-compassion and compassion for your partner on your marriage journey.
XO, Julie
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