It’s hard to feel rejected, but curiosity will help you receive more “yes’s”.
“I’m going to stop pleasing people and ask him for what I want.” But, he shuts you down. Now what?
We’ve all been there – you work up the courage to ask your husband for something important. But then, he rejects your request and it leads to bruised feelings and a big fight. Feeling resigned, you stop asking or resort to demanding. Have you noticed that neither works?
It’s frustrating, hurtful even. You start to take it personally and wonder why your needs don’t seem to matter.
I’ve been there. Here is what you’re missing.
Why do husbands say no to wives?
The truth is asking for what you want is only the first step. The second step is understand “Why husbands say no to wives”, and then polishing your communication skills, so that he WANTS to be a YES to you.
1. His love tank is low.
If he doesn’t feel loved and appreciated by you, then your requests will sound like criticism. Even if you’re earnestly not trying to criticize.
New approach:
Make filling each other’s love tank a priority. Gratitude is the fuel of love. Each day, share at least 1 thing you appreciate about each other, and give each other a 7-second hug. A little goes a long way!
2. He is afraid that if he says yes, it won’t be good enough for you.
But, instead of saying that, he’ll just resist your request and frustrate you even more. You’ll think, “It’s so simple!” or “Why do I always have to do EVERYTHING”
New approach:
Practice radical gratitude (see One). If you have feedback, bring it up later when you feel that his love tank is full. This is called “reading the room”.
3. He truly can’t.
Either he can’t in the particular moment because, or he doesn’t have the skills, for now. For example, let’s say your husband’s harsh tone deeply hurts you. You have asked him to speak more respectfully, but he denies any wrongdoing or he apologizes but reverts back.
New approach:
We should not be tolerating disrespect, however, we can also understand that humans are imperfect. Anytime we are under stress. …we naturally speak more aggressively. To have a long, happy marriage, the antidote to this paradox is compassion.
The way he speaks and reacts under stress (real or not) is a habit. It takes time to reprogram any habit. It’s like learning a new language. Choose to be an ally to support his growth. A practice you can try is “Do-Overs”. For example: “Babe can you say that again in a gentler way? It makes me feel safer to be able to hear what you are saying”.
4. He doesn’t see the big picture of your “why”.
Let’s say he has a habit of checking his messages while he’s driving. You’ve tried scolding him, threatening him, asking kindly, but it’s not working.
New approach:
“Painting a bright future” is a technique where you share your big WHY. For example: “I want us to live a long healthy life, with lots of vacations and fun memories together. What you are doing, makes me afraid that I won’t be able to grow old with you”
5. He doesn’t feel like he has the power to choose.
Imagine your husband asks you to do something, or change a behavior. But it sounds like more of a demand. It will cause you to resist and want to say no. Or, say yes begrudgingly, which instantly creates toxicity in your marriage.
New approach:
Genuinely give him the freedom to choose yes, no, or maybe. It’s respectful of each other’s humanity, even if we disagree with the choice!
When both partners feel seen and valued for who they are, working towards solutions together gets far easier.
Asking your husband for support only to be rejected hurts. I know. But in many cases, it stems from simple communication breakdowns rather than intentional neglect of your needs.
Don’t give up! With insight into your husband’s perspective plus a few positive communication tweaks, he will WANT to be a YES to you. Ultimately, your husband truly does want to make you happy.
Here’s to a marriage that feels like an abundance of YESES!
What’s next? Escape the cycle of frustration, resentment, and blame with my 1-1 mentorship offerings. Learn how to communicate effectively and inspire your husband to rise.
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